counselling in guildford Archives

Keeping the Slate Clean – Forgiveness as Stress-Buster

“Forgiving is the most selfish thing you can do.” Hearing that from Caroline Myss certainly made me stop and think. And when I pass it on to my clients, they invariably look at me as if I’m not quite to be trusted.

Because usually we see ourselves as big-hearted and giving when we forgive, sensing it as a gift to the other person. And yet, if we don’t forgive, we don’t move on. The person who we feel has wronged us, still has power over us because their action, in part, prescribes who we are today. We continue to suffer.

When two Second World War veterans met many years after being released from a Japanese prisoner of war camp, the one asked the other if he had forgiven their captors. “No. I shall never forgive them.” “Oh”, said the first, “so they still have you imprisoned, then.”

Breaking free, involves forgiving which, of course, is not the same as condoning. We can forgive, and also make an intention that we will not allow that transgression to be visited on us, or indeed anyone else, again. It reminds me of the old saying: “kind [to yourself, by forgiving], but firm [in maintaining to your boundaries]”.

Self-Worth: A Foundational Value for Freedom

Self-Worth

After the recent events in France, I have been struck by the importance of encouraging within ourselves and each other the recognition of our own, and others’, self-worth. I believe that it is only with a full appreciation of our innate value that we can resist being intimidated by aggressive behaviour evolving out of hatred and confusion. To respect our own worth, and that of every other human being, is fundamental to finding the courage to stand up for freedom and democracy.

And, it is only within a society free from fear and coercion, that we can develop our inner sense of freedom to fulfil our unique potential, to develop the personal strength necessary to be the person we know we ought to be.

Underneath a sense of self-worth is unqualified respect. Respect and acceptance for who we are right now, for both our successes and our shortcomings. And this is not possible without deep introspection, without a profound self-knowing.

Spending time, therefore, on our own personal growth – whether by reading, meditating, attending lectures and workshops, or counselling -is not an indulgence, but the act of a citizen committed to the freedom and democracy of the society in which they live.

Can you ever really waste time?

I often see people who feel regret when they think of their past; feel, perhaps, that they’ve wasted months or years in a certain mind-set, not been as pro-active as they now wish they had been. And yet are they taking account of all that might be going on underneath the surface? One person’s time-wasting, may be another’s gestation. If you had not had those fallow periods of your life, perhaps you wouldn’t have been able to temper certain qualities of which you now feel in command. After all, for a blacksmith to make a sturdy sword which does not snap in the first battle, he needs to quench and temper the metal over and over again – it takes time to become tougher and more serviceable.

Les Brown tells this lovely story of a Chinese bamboo tree seed….

How, once it’s planted, no growth appears above the soil for four years – it seems a lost cause, and some gardeners may give up on it. However, the wise gardener is patient, continuing to water and nurture the seed. After four years, the tree grows up to ninety feet in five weeks.

So, could you benefit from being a little kinder to yourself? Giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, respecting and trusting yourself even when you don’t appear to be that productive or positive? Who knows what you may be preparing yourself for, what qualities and resources may be being born within you?

Move Forward with Counselling

We all find times in our lives when there are more challenges than positives. Although we have inbuilt coping mechanisms to handle these tough times, sometimes we need some extra support to rediscover how best to use them. At times like this it may be well worthwhile consulting an experienced counsellor in Surrey. They will be able to talk you through any issues that you are struggling with and use various techniques to help combat any difficulties.

Emotional pain can be just as real as physical pain. Through gentle psychotherapy techniques you can find ways to move forward and feel emotionally strong again. If you’re looking to move forward with counselling, it’s important to find a therapist with whom you can feel at ease, as you may well be discussing very private and inner thoughts.

1. Sleep

Difficulty sleeping can have a profound effect on our lives. It can impact on our moods, our relationships, our motivation and focus, and on our health both in the short- and long-term. If you’re having sleep problems, counselling can help you get to the root cause of your difficulty and give you relaxation techniques to promote healthier sleeping patterns.

2. Lack of Focus

There are many reasons why you may find life a struggle. Sometimes it can be difficult to find your focus, whether on work or at a personal level. Speaking with an experienced counsellor can help guide you back to discovering your direction in life.

3. Confidence

It’s natural to experience a lack of confidence after a difficult event in your life. But, perhaps you’ve always struggled with your self-confidence. Talking through these issues and looking for ways to increase your self-esteem are areas in which counselling can particularly help you to move forward and transform your life.

4. Relationship

If you’re finding that communication is an issue within your relationship, couples counselling can be a supportive way to initiate talking between you. Having someone outside of your relationship who is entirely independent can help as a sounding board. This will give each of you the opportunity to express how you are feeling and how you wish your relationship to change. Couples counselling can also be invaluable in guiding you through a relationship separation which enables you both to move forward in as positive a way as is possible.

5. Stress Counselling

If stress is taking over your life it may impact you physically as well as emotionally. Some of the physical symptoms of stress are: headaches, high blood pressure, and IBS, so it’s important to manage the triggers that are causing it. Because stress can also cloud our thinking, it can make a huge difference talking with an independent counsellor who is able to help you relax so that you can regain your clear thinking in order to make the changes that may be necessary in your life.

6. Redundancy

Long-term job security at work is no longer a guarantee. If, perhaps, you’ve worked at a location for many years, you may find it incredibly difficult to accept the changes that are now affecting your life. Talking with an accredited counsellor will help you to look at how your new life situation will affect you. Equally, talking through your thoughts may even help you to realise any opportunities that you may now be able to achieve through a new start.

7. Depression

Everyone has low feelings from time to time. However, sometimes these can develop into depression. This is certainly an area where counselling can help to provide invaluable reassurance and support. Depression can generate both physical and emotional symptoms. Counselling can be incredibly beneficial to actually seek and move beyond the root of your depression. Knowing that you are not alone and that help is available is very important.

8. Life Changes

Change in life is something that some people find easier than others. Counselling can help you to accept these changes and to find the gifts and opportunities within them. Perhaps you have retired, lost your job, moved to a new part of the country, – this may be a great opportunity for you to achieve things in life that you’ve not had the time to do previously. Alternatively, you may have experienced a change within your relationship to which you are finding it difficult to adjust. But, if you’re finding it difficult to cope, meeting with a counsellor can help you find ways to move forward. It may be that you need to seek a longer course of therapy to help support you on a weekly basis.

9. Weight Management

If you are experiencing problems with your weight, a therapist will be able to help you talk through your issues and ways to overcome them. Whether you are looking to lose or gain weight, the reassurance of a sympathetic counsellor will provide you with invaluable support. It may be that you or a family member is struggling with an extreme weight issue that has developed into anorexia or bulimia. Any such issue needs to be handled with extreme sensitivity.

10. Family Support

Communication can become incredibly difficult, at times, within a family situation. You may find it beneficial to consult a counsellor if you are struggling to deal with a particular situation relating to your children. Parenting is not easy, it’s certainly one of the toughest jobs and sometimes it can be difficult to find ways to cope, no matter what the age of your child. Different ages can generate different issues. Finding support through therapy can help you to realise that it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for help.