Parenting Archives - Sarah Wiesendanger

Parenting: financial rewards to children?

We all understand reward motivation, don’t we? People get bonuses at work, win trophies in sport, get presents when they’re nice. And it seems to work. Doesn’t it? Well, no not always or, indeed, often. Research has shown that extrinsic motivation is apt to: encourage short-term thinking, become addictive (meaning that we come to rely on being rewarded by other people), increase cheating and bad behaviour, lower performance, and diminish creative response [Daniel Pink, Drive].

And yet we keep doing it. More and more, it would seem, with our children as well as in the workplace. It seems almost standard practice these days to pay teenagers to do well in the GCSEs and A levels. But what is the message we are sending in this supposedly generous and motivational act?

Research conducted by Alfie Kohn shows that providing financial reward is likely to de-motivate students. If compensation is necessary for studying, it implies, then learning can have no intrinsic reward of itself. And yet personal, internal drive is fundamental to high performance.

Bribing our children to achieve suggests that we can’t trust them to do it on their own. Also, in this respect it denies their access to two basic human needs: that of interest (doing something for the thing itself), and autonomy (being in charge of one’s own life). Whilst it may work in the short-term (the first round of exams may go well), it will build resentment, lack of interest, and defiance in the longer-term. It will also create a belief that they shouldn’t have to exert themselves unless someone is going to reward them. This is setting our children up to lose interest in their own education and striving for excellence, and to lose their ability to self-direct.

Harder, but more beneficial to our children – and society as a whole – would be to encourage them to develop a sense of meaning and purpose in whatever they choose to do, to look to the long-term for their own personal goal-setting, and to strive for excellence for its own intrinsic rewards.

Taking away the bribes and financial rewards within parenting, means trusting our children to take responsibility for their lives, showing them respect, and believing in their innate resources to excel on their own terms.

You’re Not Alone – Reasons for Troublesome Teens

Any parent of a teenager will recognise the challenges that are frequently experienced as children grow into young adults. You may have been fortunate in not having had heated arguments so far, but if you have,this is only a natural behaviour that arises from boundaries being pushed and young people asserting themselves. There may be many reasons why your young person is struggling with the onset of adulthood. Working with a qualified and experienced counsellor in Surrey, is a great opportunity for your family to discover the triggers for these outbursts and to learn how to handle them.

Stepfamilies

Family life does not always revolve around the two adults plus two children model. Perhaps you have a new partner? They may have children themselves. Introducing new family members does not always run smoothly. Counselling can help children to express their feelings and to understand what is happening in their family. It’s important that children are given the opportunity for reassurance and to be heard.

School problems

As children move through their time at secondary school and college, they may face different types of difficulties and pressures. Exams, friendships and homework can be the cause of some of the stresses that your teenager may face. It may be that you are struggling with truancy issues. Could it be due to bullying or cyber-bullying? Combine these stresses with your teenager’s developing hormones and you could have quite a task on your hands. Family counselling will enable you all to talk through what’s troubling you and look at ways for you to work together to overcome these difficulties.

Divorce

One of the most difficult situations for teenagers to handle is when their parents separate. Sometimes they feel somehow that they are to blame; sometimes they don’t know how to react and communicate with each parent; sometimes organising the new living arrangements can be upsetting. This is when counselling support can be invaluable.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a common yet serious problem that many teenagers face. They can also be very good at hiding their worries. Rather than their telling you directly of their problems, you may notice that they become withdrawn or sullen, that they are unusually tired or disinterested, are suffering from regular stomachaches, headaches, or panic attacks. Prolonged and extreme anxiety can develop into depression, so it is better to resolve it as quickly as possible. Through careful counselling, teenagers can be given the vital support that they need.

Crime

If your teenager becomes involved with any form of crime or inappropriate behaviour, you may find the situation difficult to handle. What is the best way to talk to your child in order to help them move forwards? This is one of the most important times for you to find the courage to stand by your child and give them the support that they need. Some parents may find this easier than others. A counsellor will help you to communicate and find ways to support your teen. Family counselling can help to support you and the other members of your family.

Understanding Children’s Emotional Needs

NEEDS NOT WANTS…

We all know that we have basic physical needs such as having sufficient food, being sheltered and kept warm. But we all have important emotional needs as well which, when not met, can lead to anxiety and stress and even mental or physical illness. These essential needs are:*

security
autonomy and control
the opportunity to both give and receive attention
emotional connection to others
connection to a wider community
privacy
status
sense of achievement and competence
sense of meaning or purpose in our lives

NOW FOR THE COMPLICATED PART…

This is fairly straightforward. But where it gets bit more tricky is in understanding that we all have our own ways of meeting those common needs. And the methods of our children, may not resonant easily with us. For example, whereas we may instinctively work to get our need for attention met by pleasing other people, our child may decide it is more fun to be outrageous or shocking. This may rub us up the wrong, and our first reaction may be to get angry with her. However, if we take time to pause, to remind ourselves that the behaviour, albeit perhaps inappropriately, is attempting to get a need met, it is easier for us to respond to and re-direct her with understanding. That way she feels heard, and is more able to take the re-direction on board.

AND THEN THERE’S MORE…

As well as responding uniquely to the world around us, we also perceive it in our own individual way. This can be another area where there is a mismatch between us and our children. We have to be aware of this so that we can prevent misunderstandings. For example, we may be proud of our child who is achieving B grades across the board. We perhaps feel sure that her need for achievement must be adequately met. After all, we only ever got C grades. How good is that, that our child is doing that much better? And so why is it that we can see her sense of academic self-esteem is still low? Her perception is different from ours because her experiences are different and the conclusions that she’s drawn from those experiences is also different. So, what she has decided about herself, and what she has decided about the world and her place within it is also different from the things that we tell ourselves. Being open to these differences allows our thinking in response to our children to perhaps be more lateral, and our behaviour to be more compassionate and to resonate with them better.

NOW FOR THE GOOD BIT…

The good news is that being aware of these things can make parenting even more interesting as we don’t merely react to our children off the cuff, but take time to consider how their patterns of feeling and behaviour, and their beliefs about themselves, may not match ours and, given that, we can work towards helping them get their needs met in a way that both works for them and is socially and culturally appropriate. Even better news is that, in turn, this makes our relationship with our children even better, and everybody’s life easier and happier.

* This list of needs was compiled by the Human Givens Institute

To find out how understanding children’s emotional needs better could benefit you and your family, please contact Sarah.