GENERAL Archives - Page 2 of 3 - Sarah Wiesendanger

Optimistic Thinking versus Fantasy

Successful people dream up a vision. From this, they can create a goal towards which they aspire. But, in order to turn the vision into reality, the dreaming – or fantasising – must stop. A more dynamic mindset is required.

Fantasies of success tend to lead to inactivity, and so low performance.

Positive expectation, on the other hand, is linked to high aspiration and optimistic thinking. These lead to productive cognition, problem-solving, high performance, and prosocial behaviour. It is a strong motivator. In fact, in a thirty-year longtidunal study (Peterson, MEP, et al), optimistic thinking was shown to be good for you health, slowing the progress of both acute and chronic disease. Conversely, fantasy has a negative outcome on health.

Our brains are designed to fulfil expectations. It’s partly how we corroborate our personal world view. It stands to reason, then, that if we expect a particular outcome and think optimistically about this, our mindset will be configured to achieve that expectation.

Fantasising, however, precludes realisation, wrapped up, as it is, in a tissue of unreality; from the outset, there is the belief that it can’t really come true. And so, guess what, that expectation is fulfilled.

When we employ optimistic thinking, we are less likely to give up when luck doesn’t seem to be on our side; in other words, we create our destiny. If opportunity doesn’t come knocking, we build a door…

Healing Neurosis

It was the belief of Carl Jung, that our neuroses were in direct proportion to our inability to face our emotional pain. It follows that, in order to heal and find peace, we need to open our hearts to the reality of our lives; to face our hurt with acceptance and compassion.

And doing this goes beyond self-care. In being free from our pain and neurosis, we are free to open to others who are suffering. More than this, our example acts as an inspiration to others, creating a ripple effect through those in our lives, through their connections, out into the wider community, and down through the generations.

Doing this takes courage, but the rewards are immense. How wide have the ripples spread from the fearlessness of world-famous Vedran Smailovic, the Sarajevo cellist who, during the siege of his city, would play out among the ruined buildings, play at funerals despite sniper fire, because he believed people needed the healing properties of music? How many people have been inspired to act with courage and loving kindness – to face their own sorrows and to look with compassion on those of others – having heard his story?

But when we turn away from what is painful, we allow the wounds to fester, to flourish into neuroses and hate, causing further suffering for ourselves and those around us.

Self-Worth: A Foundational Value for Freedom

Self-Worth

After the recent events in France, I have been struck by the importance of encouraging within ourselves and each other the recognition of our own, and others’, self-worth. I believe that it is only with a full appreciation of our innate value that we can resist being intimidated by aggressive behaviour evolving out of hatred and confusion. To respect our own worth, and that of every other human being, is fundamental to finding the courage to stand up for freedom and democracy.

And, it is only within a society free from fear and coercion, that we can develop our inner sense of freedom to fulfil our unique potential, to develop the personal strength necessary to be the person we know we ought to be.

Underneath a sense of self-worth is unqualified respect. Respect and acceptance for who we are right now, for both our successes and our shortcomings. And this is not possible without deep introspection, without a profound self-knowing.

Spending time, therefore, on our own personal growth – whether by reading, meditating, attending lectures and workshops, or counselling -is not an indulgence, but the act of a citizen committed to the freedom and democracy of the society in which they live.

The Journey to Self-Fulfilment

Explore. Dream. Discover.

Mark Twain said that “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.” And, in my experience of counselling people who are coming to terms with the end of their life, I would judge that he was spot-on. Invariably people feel that they could and should have done more with their lives, and regret that there is too little time left to make amends.

So what are you waiting for? Sail away from the harbour and let the winds fill the sails of your life to take you to the distant horizons of your experience.

But, of course, you need to be able to chart your course. You don’t want to be at the mercy of the currents. And to be able to steer your direction, you need first to have explored your inner world, to have become well-acquainted with your innermost feelings and beliefs, to have discovered your passions and talents, so that you embark on a journey out in the world that is congruent with your authentic self. Gandhi said that “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

And, when you have achieved that, your gifts to the world and those around you will be immense.

Parenting: How to be an Emotional Coach

Teaching your children to master their emotions is one of the best gifts you can give them. Emotional intelligence is a far more reliable predictor of fulfilling achievement, balance, and contentment in life than either intellectual intelligence or material advantage.

Of course, one of the best ways of teaching, and one of the hardest, is by example. If you’re able to show your child how you use your emotions – the pleasant and unpleasant ones – to inform your life, but how you are also able to choose how you respond to them, giving yourself space to consider both the long and the short-term effects of a possible reaction, you will be providing a wonderful behavioural model.

However, sometimes you may need to go one step further, and put in some active teaching as well. After all, there are going to be times when your role-modeling is less than perfect! And, most children need help learning how to identify the nuances of their emotions. Talking through your own feelings, and how they serve to guide you in your life choices, when you’ve had to rein them in so as to give yourself time for contemplation, when it’s helped to share them with others, will be invaluable to your children. Also talking through your children’s emotions; empathising and accepting how they feel, pinpointing exactly why they feel the way they do, working out strategies to cope better next time in a similar situation.

Because the one thing that we can rely on in life is change – in our work and home environments, in our social lives – and, because the rate of change is increasing, our children need to be able to find their own sense of inner security, when the world around them may feel unstable. And, the most reliable way for them to do this, is to have a real mastery over their emotions.

Parenting: financial rewards to children?

We all understand reward motivation, don’t we? People get bonuses at work, win trophies in sport, get presents when they’re nice. And it seems to work. Doesn’t it? Well, no not always or, indeed, often. Research has shown that extrinsic motivation is apt to: encourage short-term thinking, become addictive (meaning that we come to rely on being rewarded by other people), increase cheating and bad behaviour, lower performance, and diminish creative response [Daniel Pink, Drive].

And yet we keep doing it. More and more, it would seem, with our children as well as in the workplace. It seems almost standard practice these days to pay teenagers to do well in the GCSEs and A levels. But what is the message we are sending in this supposedly generous and motivational act?

Research conducted by Alfie Kohn shows that providing financial reward is likely to de-motivate students. If compensation is necessary for studying, it implies, then learning can have no intrinsic reward of itself. And yet personal, internal drive is fundamental to high performance.

Bribing our children to achieve suggests that we can’t trust them to do it on their own. Also, in this respect it denies their access to two basic human needs: that of interest (doing something for the thing itself), and autonomy (being in charge of one’s own life). Whilst it may work in the short-term (the first round of exams may go well), it will build resentment, lack of interest, and defiance in the longer-term. It will also create a belief that they shouldn’t have to exert themselves unless someone is going to reward them. This is setting our children up to lose interest in their own education and striving for excellence, and to lose their ability to self-direct.

Harder, but more beneficial to our children – and society as a whole – would be to encourage them to develop a sense of meaning and purpose in whatever they choose to do, to look to the long-term for their own personal goal-setting, and to strive for excellence for its own intrinsic rewards.

Taking away the bribes and financial rewards within parenting, means trusting our children to take responsibility for their lives, showing them respect, and believing in their innate resources to excel on their own terms.

Uncomfortable to take care of yourself?

Are you good at looking after others, or at knowing what would be good for someone else? It’s often so much easier than looking after yourself, isn’t it?

Taking time to be mindful, and to notice where you get stuck in being good to yourself, where it gets uncomfortable, can be an enlightening experience.

And it can be challenging, because it means being honest with yourself; it means noticing what you find painful, and doing something about it.

For instance, if you are in the habit of drinking that bit too much when you’re out with your friends, in order to take better care of yourself, and to start cutting down, there may be something, or a number of things, that you need to address. Perhaps an ex-partner is part of your social group, and it’s still painful to meet up; maybe you find large groups intimidating because you have not got the confidence to be widely seen and heard; perhaps you easily feel put down or slighted…

And maybe the issues underlying a lack of self-care feel too difficult to resolve. But the truth is, not resolving them makes life much more burdensome than it need be.

So, why not start today? Notice where you could improve your self-care; be mindful of what uncomfortable truth is driving your behaviour, and determine to make a positive change. And remember, if it feels too difficult to do on your own, you can always ask for help!

Can you ever really waste time?

I often see people who feel regret when they think of their past; feel, perhaps, that they’ve wasted months or years in a certain mind-set, not been as pro-active as they now wish they had been. And yet are they taking account of all that might be going on underneath the surface? One person’s time-wasting, may be another’s gestation. If you had not had those fallow periods of your life, perhaps you wouldn’t have been able to temper certain qualities of which you now feel in command. After all, for a blacksmith to make a sturdy sword which does not snap in the first battle, he needs to quench and temper the metal over and over again – it takes time to become tougher and more serviceable.

Les Brown tells this lovely story of a Chinese bamboo tree seed….

How, once it’s planted, no growth appears above the soil for four years – it seems a lost cause, and some gardeners may give up on it. However, the wise gardener is patient, continuing to water and nurture the seed. After four years, the tree grows up to ninety feet in five weeks.

So, could you benefit from being a little kinder to yourself? Giving yourself the benefit of the doubt, respecting and trusting yourself even when you don’t appear to be that productive or positive? Who knows what you may be preparing yourself for, what qualities and resources may be being born within you?

Do you have the right kind of dreams?

Are your dreams more about running away, away, avoiding, hiding; or are they about embracing, commitment, passion, and love?

It’s more psychologically healthy to move towards something, than to try to retreat, even if that something is challenging, or painful.

Moving forwards to achieve what we want, rather than to avoid what we don’t, is also more likely to allow for success. Consider the difference between wanting to be lawyer because you care passionately about upholding people’s human rights, and wanting to be a lawyer so that you can charge exorbitant fees and buy an expensive house. Which motivation is more likely to bring you deep contentment and fulfilment?

Move Forward with Counselling

We all find times in our lives when there are more challenges than positives. Although we have inbuilt coping mechanisms to handle these tough times, sometimes we need some extra support to rediscover how best to use them. At times like this it may be well worthwhile consulting an experienced counsellor in Surrey. They will be able to talk you through any issues that you are struggling with and use various techniques to help combat any difficulties.

Emotional pain can be just as real as physical pain. Through gentle psychotherapy techniques you can find ways to move forward and feel emotionally strong again. If you’re looking to move forward with counselling, it’s important to find a therapist with whom you can feel at ease, as you may well be discussing very private and inner thoughts.

1. Sleep

Difficulty sleeping can have a profound effect on our lives. It can impact on our moods, our relationships, our motivation and focus, and on our health both in the short- and long-term. If you’re having sleep problems, counselling can help you get to the root cause of your difficulty and give you relaxation techniques to promote healthier sleeping patterns.

2. Lack of Focus

There are many reasons why you may find life a struggle. Sometimes it can be difficult to find your focus, whether on work or at a personal level. Speaking with an experienced counsellor can help guide you back to discovering your direction in life.

3. Confidence

It’s natural to experience a lack of confidence after a difficult event in your life. But, perhaps you’ve always struggled with your self-confidence. Talking through these issues and looking for ways to increase your self-esteem are areas in which counselling can particularly help you to move forward and transform your life.

4. Relationship

If you’re finding that communication is an issue within your relationship, couples counselling can be a supportive way to initiate talking between you. Having someone outside of your relationship who is entirely independent can help as a sounding board. This will give each of you the opportunity to express how you are feeling and how you wish your relationship to change. Couples counselling can also be invaluable in guiding you through a relationship separation which enables you both to move forward in as positive a way as is possible.

5. Stress Counselling

If stress is taking over your life it may impact you physically as well as emotionally. Some of the physical symptoms of stress are: headaches, high blood pressure, and IBS, so it’s important to manage the triggers that are causing it. Because stress can also cloud our thinking, it can make a huge difference talking with an independent counsellor who is able to help you relax so that you can regain your clear thinking in order to make the changes that may be necessary in your life.

6. Redundancy

Long-term job security at work is no longer a guarantee. If, perhaps, you’ve worked at a location for many years, you may find it incredibly difficult to accept the changes that are now affecting your life. Talking with an accredited counsellor will help you to look at how your new life situation will affect you. Equally, talking through your thoughts may even help you to realise any opportunities that you may now be able to achieve through a new start.

7. Depression

Everyone has low feelings from time to time. However, sometimes these can develop into depression. This is certainly an area where counselling can help to provide invaluable reassurance and support. Depression can generate both physical and emotional symptoms. Counselling can be incredibly beneficial to actually seek and move beyond the root of your depression. Knowing that you are not alone and that help is available is very important.

8. Life Changes

Change in life is something that some people find easier than others. Counselling can help you to accept these changes and to find the gifts and opportunities within them. Perhaps you have retired, lost your job, moved to a new part of the country, – this may be a great opportunity for you to achieve things in life that you’ve not had the time to do previously. Alternatively, you may have experienced a change within your relationship to which you are finding it difficult to adjust. But, if you’re finding it difficult to cope, meeting with a counsellor can help you find ways to move forward. It may be that you need to seek a longer course of therapy to help support you on a weekly basis.

9. Weight Management

If you are experiencing problems with your weight, a therapist will be able to help you talk through your issues and ways to overcome them. Whether you are looking to lose or gain weight, the reassurance of a sympathetic counsellor will provide you with invaluable support. It may be that you or a family member is struggling with an extreme weight issue that has developed into anorexia or bulimia. Any such issue needs to be handled with extreme sensitivity.

10. Family Support

Communication can become incredibly difficult, at times, within a family situation. You may find it beneficial to consult a counsellor if you are struggling to deal with a particular situation relating to your children. Parenting is not easy, it’s certainly one of the toughest jobs and sometimes it can be difficult to find ways to cope, no matter what the age of your child. Different ages can generate different issues. Finding support through therapy can help you to realise that it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for help.

You’re Not Alone – Reasons for Troublesome Teens

Any parent of a teenager will recognise the challenges that are frequently experienced as children grow into young adults. You may have been fortunate in not having had heated arguments so far, but if you have,this is only a natural behaviour that arises from boundaries being pushed and young people asserting themselves. There may be many reasons why your young person is struggling with the onset of adulthood. Working with a qualified and experienced counsellor in Surrey, is a great opportunity for your family to discover the triggers for these outbursts and to learn how to handle them.

Stepfamilies

Family life does not always revolve around the two adults plus two children model. Perhaps you have a new partner? They may have children themselves. Introducing new family members does not always run smoothly. Counselling can help children to express their feelings and to understand what is happening in their family. It’s important that children are given the opportunity for reassurance and to be heard.

School problems

As children move through their time at secondary school and college, they may face different types of difficulties and pressures. Exams, friendships and homework can be the cause of some of the stresses that your teenager may face. It may be that you are struggling with truancy issues. Could it be due to bullying or cyber-bullying? Combine these stresses with your teenager’s developing hormones and you could have quite a task on your hands. Family counselling will enable you all to talk through what’s troubling you and look at ways for you to work together to overcome these difficulties.

Divorce

One of the most difficult situations for teenagers to handle is when their parents separate. Sometimes they feel somehow that they are to blame; sometimes they don’t know how to react and communicate with each parent; sometimes organising the new living arrangements can be upsetting. This is when counselling support can be invaluable.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a common yet serious problem that many teenagers face. They can also be very good at hiding their worries. Rather than their telling you directly of their problems, you may notice that they become withdrawn or sullen, that they are unusually tired or disinterested, are suffering from regular stomachaches, headaches, or panic attacks. Prolonged and extreme anxiety can develop into depression, so it is better to resolve it as quickly as possible. Through careful counselling, teenagers can be given the vital support that they need.

Crime

If your teenager becomes involved with any form of crime or inappropriate behaviour, you may find the situation difficult to handle. What is the best way to talk to your child in order to help them move forwards? This is one of the most important times for you to find the courage to stand by your child and give them the support that they need. Some parents may find this easier than others. A counsellor will help you to communicate and find ways to support your teen. Family counselling can help to support you and the other members of your family.

Focusing on the Future – Counselling for Cancer Patients

If you’ve experienced the trauma of cancer, now may be the time to start looking forward to getting your life back to normality. Finding a sympathetic experienced counsellor based locally in Surrey can be a great support as you may find that you need to make adjustments following changes to your body and your feelings. Both you and those closest to you may need reassurance to understand what you have been through and to find ways of coping with any emotional stress.

Physical Symptoms

The effect of drugs and surgery to your body may have left more than physical scars. It may be that you need time to regain trust in your body. There may be obvious physical symptoms such as scarring from surgery or hair loss following chemotherapy. Whether you are male or female, these changes to your body can have a significant impact on your self-esteem. Counselling can help by giving you the opportunity to talk through your feelings.

Effect on your Family

When a loved one in our family experiences cancer, it can affect others as well as the sufferer. In particular children can be highly upset by the experience. Children are very perceptive; even if you try to hide what is going on, they are often aware that something is wrong. They may be scared, even if your cancer has been treated. Family counselling can help children to feel secure and more importantly understand what has happened.

Self-Esteem Issues

If you have experienced cancer, you may be finding it difficult to come to terms with changes to your appearance; perhaps even to the extent that you may be feeling symptoms of withdrawal and depression. Talking through your emotions and anxieties with a qualified and experienced counsellor can give you comfort in the knowledge that how you are feeling is entirely understandable.

Focusing on the Future

Once you have successfully finished your treatment, talking with a counsellor can help you to focus on the future. You will need to decide how and when to continue with parts of your life that may have been put on hold during your treatment, or which elements of your life you want to completely re-fashion.

Types of Counselling

There are different types of counselling that will help you and your loved ones following cancer. These may depend on a number of issues. It’s also very important that you are comfortable with your chosen counsellor. Finding a locally accredited HGI counselling practitioner in Surrey will help you with any feelings or concerns that you may have. Some people like one-to-one counselling, others find that group counselling therapy can be a real comfort. Listening to the experiences of others may be really beneficial. As with any therapy though, it may not be suitable for everyone. It’s important that you explore the possible options and make the counselling work for you.